Snake Eyes

‘Did you hear about the lady who said a snake swallowed all the money she stole?’

‘Yeah, I have heard various versions of the missing JAMB money, incredible really.’

‘But this one said a snake! A snake swallowed the money, can you believe it?

‘Was she in shock? Why would she say something like that when there’s no way anybody will believe her?’

In response to this, Jide sent two pictures, one of an East African commissioner of something important who had discovered after extensive research that most orphans don’t have one or both parents! The second picture was of a church event scheduled for Valentine’s Day with the theme, ‘let her boobs feed you!’ or something to that effect.

‘These are surely photo shopped, they are a joke.’

‘Nope, they are real.’

‘Maybe it’s the Russians, they are hacking everything these days, they must be hacking naija media.’

‘Babe, it is real, believe it!’

I look at both pictures again and re read the write up on each one. Truth really is stranger than fiction, you can’t make this up.

‘I don’t know which is worse, the commissioner or the church one.’

‘They are both bad.’

‘True but the church one always comes out worse, I just don’t get why people lose their minds when it comes to religion.’

‘Probably didn’t have much of a mind to begin with.’

‘I don’t know, some sensible people are in church.’

‘Yes of course, they are just there for what they can get out of it though.’

‘Yep, they still lie, fornicate, lust after material things and things of the “flesh” but in the name of the lord so that makes it ok.’ This is buttressed with the eye rolling emoji.

‘So do you still think people won’t believe this woman’s snake story? If they can be led so easily by a pastor and a commissioner?’

I think about it for a while, he is right, from thinking the story is an utter and complete joke, I was now convinced that not only would people believe it, there are some who would probably even defend it.

‘What did she do with the snake afterwards?’ I ask.

‘What can she do with it?’

‘She better catch it and keep it till it brings out all that cash.’ Laughing till crying emoji.

‘The snake has digested the money na.’

As we messaged, I got another variation of this story from another contact. It was the video of said woman giving evidence in front of a panel. At over five minutes, it is too long for a WhatsApp videos but because I was already discussing this issue, decided to watch since I hadn’t no other evidence to prove it did happen.

‘Lol, was just talking about this with someone else.’

I open the video and start to watch. A contrite looking woman approaches a panel sitting behind a U shaped arrangement of tables consisting of five or six men, one of who was at the head of the arrangement and led the questions. As she stood in front of them, they began their enquiry,

‘Where is the money?’

‘Erm… it is a mystery…’

‘You are a thief!’ one of them said in response to that, he didn’t need to hear anymore, mystery? She was guilty. The head was more patient and so he encouraged her to continue speaking. She explained that whenever she had to take the money to the JAMB office, somehow, the full amount never made it. On pressing her for more details, she then told them the mystery of the snake. The video had subtitles even though they were speaking in English, making the encounter even more confusing because I kept checking to see if any sense would come from the text below. The gist of it was that her house girl eventually confessed that she used/sent a snake to the woman to bedazzle her whenever she handled the money. I was relieved to see members of the panel doubled over in laughter, some of them were confused, perhaps they were humouring her as they asked,

‘The snake ate the card or cash?’

‘Cash, it ate the cash.’

‘Ah ok, cash.’

She clarified things for them, ‘cash, it swallowed the cash, yes.’ She nodded at them with all sincerity.

There was person on the right side of the panel wearing a brown agbada, he couldn’t speak for laughing and he had to balance on his hands to keep himself up, the others amused themselves with banter. When they head had had enough, the head said,

‘Go this side, I will hand you over to the police, I cannot deal with this one.’

I laughed through the entire video, it wouldn’t be so funny if it wasn’t true.

‘They must be so exasperated.’ The person who sent me the video commented of the investigators. I agree, how do you preside over such an inquiry? There were other ridiculous versions of this story with equally stupid excuses but this one went viral. The funniest memes and gifs were of jokes with snakes going home to grateful girlfriends. I told a friend of mine that the RSPCA should get involved (even though I doubt they have jurisdiction in Nigeria) because the hunt for fat snakes will be on, can you imagine all the innocent snakes that will be killed in pursuit of missing cash, and maybe more, if it swallows cash, maybe it also has an appetite for jewellery, credit and debit cards, car keys even, the possibilities are endless.

What people overlooked from this farce of a story is the poor house girl in all of this. Nigerian house girls are either sleeping with oga or are witches, casting all manner of spells on their employers. It’s a miracle anyone employs them if all they do is steal, pillage and practice witchcraft. If these women have the ability to woo rich and powerful men, or just men that have roofs over their heads, why would they chose meagre employment instead? And if they have the capacity to control nature to such an extent that they can influence people, animals, night and day, why oh why would they decide to do back breaking work for any kind of employer. That was the real mystery, not the missing money, or the foolish woman that has clearly misappropriated funds for long enough or her employers who have allowed this to happen up and down the country. Maybe JAMB should employ the variety of house girls that can send snakes, birds and any other willing animal to guard their coffers and use their magic skills to encourage and/or petrify their staff to work for the good of all.