Aussie Flu

At the back of my throat, there is a tingling sensation, the size of a pin prick. It isn’t causing me much harm so I ignore it. I have weathered many a bug infestation, this should be no different. This was on Friday evening. By Saturday morning, the pin prick had spread across my entire throat but I was still active. I dropped the kids off at the barbers, did the weekly shop, hovered the carpet, mopped the floors, made some soup because I was starting to feel a little rough, and caught up on my series. I didn’t take any medicine or my tried and tested lime and honey with more than a dash of rum. By Sunday morning, I could barely move. My throat was on fire, my chest thick with phlegm, my head hurt. I didn’t have a fever but my nose was running and every time I had a coughing fit or blew my nose, my aching head felt like it would explode and my ribs felt like I had lost a fight to an angry Tyson.

I gave myself three things to do, if I could stand long enough to do them; do the laundry, iron for the week and make the dreaded grand Sunday dinner. Something would suffer along with all the other chores I had to abandon. I haven’t felt this bad in such a long time and I will fight this with everything in my arsenal. My arsenal included paracetamol and ibuprofen. I couldn’t take anything else except night nurse which is paracetamol laced with a sleeping ingredient which always feels good. I had to tell all who I could of my suffering and the recommendations came flooding in,

‘Lemsip and crap TV.’

‘Lemsip and Jeremy Kyle, you always feel better after some Jeremy Kyle.’

‘Lots of rum and brandy and whiskey, on their own, all at once.’

I gave the Lemsip and Kyle a miss. I did have a bit of brandy in my lime and honey but I stopped that when I felt worse. I stayed up till midnight one night watching crap TV, I didn’t want to go to bed too early to avoid tossing and turning all through an uncomfortable night. The last two nights had involved waking up coughing to within an inch of life. My ribs hurt so bad and my nose was sore from relentless wiping with rough tissues. I don’t care how “soft” the embalmed tissues are, there is only so much friction the skin around your nose can take. I was either too hot or too cold, my throat burned, my head pounded and my vision was failing me, everything was swimming. This was partly due to the fact that I got a new pair of prescription glasses and they made everything look different, sharper but now I felt two feet taller and whatever I looked at was further away.

This was a powerful strain of super flu doing the rounds, if I read correctly, part of the media’s sensationalising (when not predicting arctic winters and scorching summers) whilst advertising this strain was that someone had actually died, not an old dear, a young, healthy woman, cut down in her prime by this awful winter bug. This was a case of man flu for everyone who got it but am sure most people can relate to the unfortunate loss of life. I didn’t read the story, I imagine she had other complications as its unusual for the flu to kill one so young but the media had their headline already so what does it matter, the next global catastrophe was looming.

I was so uncomfortable and in so much pain that I forgot I wasn’t eating. I did try when I had the energy to, to eat some fruit, because that’s always good is it not? The problem with fruit was that it felt like pouring acid down my raw throat. What didn’t burn made me cough uncontrollably, including water or any liquid, I was avoiding dairy so I didn’t have tea, cereal or yoghurt. I eventually got hungry and realised I hadn’t eaten or drank much in two or more days since I had some soup, so throwing caution to the wind, I ate what was on offer which was rice. I didn’t care if it would hurt or have me doubled over in fits of coughing, I needed energy to help fight this thing. Forget the no carbs in January routine, I needed reinforcement, and an all fruit diet wasn’t working so I warmed up what was available and tucked in. I survived, it didn’t hurt, and I wasn’t coughing. Problem solved, I was on the mend if battered from the ordeal.

After almost a week of fighting, I pulled on my blue Levis jeans that I had been wearing the week before, there was more room in them now. I had planned to register at the gym up the road but with the way I was feeling, there was no way that was going to happen, I will still need to go because even the mighty aussie flu couldn’t shift the belly fat, besides, getting healthier/fitter should help with future flu endemics so it’s been flu; nil, me; one! And apart from that one death that was reported, I think that a thoroughly sore nose is the worst that happened.

31 January 2018